In a perfect world every pregnancy that starts will end up with a healthy baby in our arms to take home and to love until were really old and pass in our sleep. But sadly this isn't the way so many pregnancy's start and sadly end in miscarriage or in having a stillborn.It is even worse when you go to a scan and are convinced that you go there to just to have a look at your baby. As in like check their a baby with 2 arms and 2 legs and all the necessary bits but I sadly found out the hard way they check everything there. We were convinced as long as we found out the sex the ultrasound tech must have been sure everything was fine. Little did I know that you have to go to the doctor and be told yeah your baby has a healthy working body. I went to my scan and found out your having a boy and I was in awe at looking at our little man who was growing inside me and giving me lots of wonderful kicks.
I got a phonecall from my doctor clinic insisting I come in asap and find out the results to our ultrasound. In my mind I had found out results but when I arrived I got told there was something wrong with our baby. My baby who I was in love with and had been dreaming about our future. There was something wrong with his brain, the report on the ultrasound said parts were missing and the bits that were there to small. In my mind I was thinking what does this mean? Will I get to meet this little man who is kicking me! He has a beating heart so what could possible be wrong? I had trouble processing it all as we only knew he had issues. The only issues with babies I had ever heard were that they didn't have a heartbeat but he was alive. I just was so naive and uninformed that I had no idea this type of thing happened. It all felt so cruel, in my mind I kept thinking i'm only young (19 almost 20) this doesn't happen.
I hate knowing now that it happens so often. Why is it so taboo to talk about our babies? I think everyone should say I have 2 angel babies, one I never got to meet but still loved and another I only got the pleasure of spreading 10 weeks on earth together with him in my arms but got 34 weeks with him inside me. I will never forget the kicks and the excitement before the finding out the sex scans. I should mention I was convinced Charlie was a girl haha so was very suprised i was having a boy but still soo happy!
I dream of a perfect world that every baby conceived is born, perfect and healthy! I wish you could do the pregnancy test and put on facebook "I'm a mummy to be!". Even without a scan and just know in 9 months your baby would be here. Why is the universe like this? Who knows? Is it the world making us appreciate life and to cherish the ones who survive and fight to be here? I hope one day I could get pregnant and just know I have a healthy baby, I know that as soon as I get a positive I won't be happy until their in my arms and am convinced that everything is fine. I will be so paranoid so for this reason i won't be a mum for probably many years as the fear can just be too much. When I'm ready and the time is right I will be there, a mum fighting for her baby. The doctors may think i'm paranoid, but I am just protecting my baby (or should I say future baby!). I will not be happy until my future baby is here safe in my arms with his or hers 2 guardian angels (Hope & Charlie) I know that they will be protected safe & sound to my arms. I hope with my fingers crossed! For all my fellow angels mummys I hope my 2 guardian angels will protect your future babies too!
Much love from Charlies mummy! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Steph, you are already a Mum.
ReplyDeleteBut I know what you mean.. I loved being pregnant with Joe, I was filled with apprehensive joy - always a little too scared to be a little too excited.
I didn't breathe until he was born, I heard that beautiful cry and they'd checked him out and handed him to me saying "You have a perfectly healthy little boy"
I didn't realise I'd held my breath the entire pregnancy. Finally I could breathe.
Much love to you sweetheart - You are a wonderful Mum xxx