Sunday, 13 November 2011

The big ONE!

The 23rd November is fast approaching it has almost been a year since my sweet and amazing boy Charlie entered this world. I am so glad I have organised the auction to say thank you to the Royal Brisbane & Womens Hospital as it makes it a slightly happier day. It is a hard day though as my baby boy should be celebrating being a one year old. Causing trouble and keeping me busy. Instead here I am writing about being a babyloss mum, organising Charity work for a hospital in my sons memory and studying Event Management.

When I think about if Charlie was here there is no way I would probably be doing any of those but he isn't, he is a little angel or as I like to think about it my beautiful guardian angel. Sure I like have a guardian angel but I want my beautiful boy in my arms doing what almost one year old baby boys should do.

I have had to go through so many firsts in the year since Charlie was born. I've had a massive fetal diagnosis for my baby. Given birth to a premature baby (34 weeker - 6 weeks early). Been a  cow (breast feed but with a milk sucker/breast pump to express for Charlie. Been trained in how to tube feed. Learnt how to change a nappy. How to bath a baby (both with a sponge bath while Charlie was in a humidity crib and in a real big boy baby bath). How to calm a baby. How to live in the moment, by enjoying every hug and every cry. The worst one of all I've watched my baby pass away with nothing us or the doctors could do.

I brought some beautiful balloons today that I am planning on releasing on precious Charlies first b'day. While picking balloons I saw all the beautiful 1st birthday party goods. It made me excited but sad at the same time. If Charlie was here I would be planning something special for him. Spoiling him like you would not believe. It really sucks that he is not and were empty handed. I see now just how hard birthdays are and how hard this one will be. Hopefully they get easier as time goes by. The next big thing after Charlies first birthday is Christmas. Charlie was here for our last Christmas and it was soo nice having him here <3.

I only have one more thing to say today in this post and that is an early birthday wish to my beautiful guardian angel.
Happppppyyyyyy 1st birthday Charlie Jayden!!
Mummy loves you and misses you more than you will ever know.

Hope if anyone is reading this your being kind on yourself. H

Friday, 28 October 2011

My grieving mother list

A little while ago I found a note on a facebook page for grieving mothers about 'Wishes for a grieving parent' and it got me thinking what is my grieving mother list in regards to Charlie Bear. What would I want people who have never experienced the pain of losing a child. What do I wish people had known during this journy of grief. I've decided to write my own some are similiar but I have changed them to suit my situation. If you would like to read the original here is the link Wishes for the grieving parent . My list <3

1. Yes, I have tattoo for Charlie. I got it on my wrist so he is always with me and so people like you will see and ask "Who is Charlie? ". If I didn't want to talk about him do you think I would do this?

My Charlie tattoo...I <3 Roses. We put prince because he was born at the Royal and Charlie because he is the most amazing boy ever. Yes I do get asked why do you have a tattoo for prince Charles *Shakes head in disgust lol*

2. I want you to speak his name so don't feel like a bad person for saying it and having
to hear me say he is now an angel. Charlie was here, for 10 weeks in fact and those 10 weeks
were amazing. So let me tell you about those weeks and listen. I'm sure you will be inspired too because how many babies do you know that got diagnosed with no brain that could suck a dummy like wild and then drink from a bottle once when the doctors didn't even believe he could. See inspiring hey? :)
Such a proud mummy moment watching my son who is ment to be only be tubefed be fed from a special bottle and succeed! You go boy!!

3. Please don't feel bad if I get emotional or cry because I'm not crying about
anything you have done or said. I'm most likely crying cuz I miss him and if I cry give me a hug
don't tell me to stop because my son died and it helps me to cry.
4. Part of the journey of grief is having good days and bad days. Don't think because I
am smiling and happy that I am over it. I will NEVER be over it. I'm just stronger today.
The hardest day of my entire life at my sons funeral.
5. Please don't assume all types of death are the same because the death of a child
no matter how old they were or what took their life is different. No parent should have to ever bury their child or plan their childs funeral (especially their babies :( ) Losing a child will always be the
most painful type. Don't try and compare it to your dog or your elderly parent. It is very
different to setting up a nursery that didn't get used or never getting to take your child home.
6. Don't expect my grief to be over in six weeks or six months because I will never
get over the fact my son died. It has forever changed me I am now a bereaved parent and I
will always be.
7. Don't tell me I should have 'closure' because I now know what condition my son had
in my eyes it just gives me more things to worry about. I will never have closure my
heart is forever broken sure I am stronger because of it but I would rather have my son here
and be a emotional wimp with an alive child.
8. Yes my son had a condition that happened in pregnancy. No, i did NOT drink, do drugs,
eat anything I shouldn't for this to have happened so don't ask me if I did. Do you not think when I found out
something was wrong that I hadn't considered this? I didn't do anything wrong and it happened.
9. Charlie's birthday 23rd November will always be hard but I will still celebrate it. No I am not weird for doing this and even If you think that about me, I don't care. I will be getting a cake and releasing balloons and celebrating however old he would have been.
10. Charlie's angelversary will always be hard too. Just remembering that day I will I'm sure  be a mess. Please don't try and get me to do anything I'm not comfortable to do. Let me sort out myself and I'll cry if I want too. If I don't come to your child's party on his birthday or angelversary please understand.
11. If you tell me I've changed I will agree. I know I have, I've turned into a bereaved mum. My heart has been broken,as I have said I am stronger but there are days I struggle. Sometimes I will struggle to handle hearing a baby cry or seeing a boy that would have been the same age as Charlie now. I will do the best I can to handle the situation and with any luck it will get easier as time goes by.
12. If you have been thinking about Charlie. Please tell me, It makes me smile to know that you think of him too. I know he never will be forgotten but it's  special when a friend says they saw a bear, a prem or a balloon in the sky and thought of Charlie.
13. If you see me standing in a big gust of wind or a breeze smiling like a goof. I'm smiling cuz in my mind a breeze is a kiss from an angel and nothing is more precious.
14. Please don't make jokes about death especially when it comes to children. This is painful for me and I won't take it.
15. I am stronger than i have ever been and I am sometimes amazed that I'm charlie's mummy. Charlie story happened to me,it's my life but sometimes it feels like a dream.
16. I'm proud to say that my inspiration is my son Charlie. Yes, he lived 10 weeks. Yes, he had a condition in his brain.
17.Yes, if he had survived he would have been disabled and we don't know how life would have been. But I would have taken it in my strive and taken the best care of my son. Don't say it's a good thing he died because I'm free to live my life and not be held down by a disabled child because I disagree!
18. No, I would not change anything about my pregnancy or our time with Charlie at all.
19.I do not regret saying no everytime I was offered an abortion and Yes I understood what the doctors were telling us.
20. No, I don't struggle being around babies now. Some days it might make me a bit sad when I see something that reminds me of Charlie but that is mainly because I miss him and I wish he was here too.

21. My family is amazing! Like me, they love talking about Charlie, we include Charlie in everything even though he is no longer here with us. We had a family photoshoot and we included him.

Photo courtesy of Special Memories Photography (Keren). Such a precious photo.

22. Charlie's daddy - also amazing! He was soo inspired by our little Charlie Bear that he is now in the process of studying to get to his dream of becoming a sonographer. Josh's favourite moment ever was being told Charlie was a boy at our 19 week ultrasound. At the moment he said I want to do that! Even when we were told the bad news and were having ultrasounds all the time. Josh still loved it and that's because of you Charlie Bear!

Such a precious daddy and son moment. It warms my heart this photo.

23. It's not only Josh that got inspired to study and get a career path in mind. I have been so inspired that I started the charity page in Charlie's honour. I thought I love this how could I get a job doing something like this. I then discovered event management and let me tell you I love it! Charlie is my inspiration. At first I wanted to do it and get into Charity events but now I think I want to do it all. I've never had so much fun working. It's hard work but if you love it..then it's totally with it. I've already done some work experience I've worked as a volunteer at parklife and even worked backed stage for bear grylls (Check out my back stage pass haha and yes I did meet him! An awesome job right!)

Yes, I  may not look happy lol I am just trying to be sneaky when taking the photo on my phone lol.
Anyway thats all from me ( I bet your glad about that though lol cuz as you can see I've written alot ;).
I will be doing my best to upload my blog more regulary from now on and I don't even care if nobody reads it.Here is a quote to leave you with from my massive pinterest addiction but thats for another blog post.

I <3 this quote

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Fathers day

Father's day is fast approaching and for parents of an angel baby it can be quite daunting know it is getting closer and closer. A day to celebrate being a parent but unlike most parents no child to celebrate it with. I think people either cope really well with it or just pretend it's like any other day. I know for me on mothers day, I found I pretended it wasn't mothers day or that it wasn't a day for me to celebrate when I knew in my heart that I should have.

I have been trying to work out a way that I can do something special on behalf of Charlie for Josh. I have found it really hard because it's not like you can make a normal fathers day present. It's made me feel a bit sad as I just wanted to do something really precious and special for Josh's first fathers day. I have been thinking about doing something and calling it heavenly mail on behalf of Charlie. I did a questionaire on behalf of our beautiful Charlie.

I am trying to work out what I can do and I have a few ideas but I guess I will work it out really soon :).
We miss our little man so many, he is soo precious and even though he is not here anymore we wish he was.
To make Josh's first fathers day really special, I wish I could do hand prints and foot prints and do it each year. But I can't as I only have limited prints. I went to a sands support meeting last night and it was soo good just being able to talk to people who have also experience the horrible pain of losing a baby. We all have a cry and we all feel for each other. But we are there to offer each other love and support and talk about our precious angels without someone acting awkward and trying to avoid the topic. We can all laugh together about the silly things people say that can feel mean but you know they didn't mean it that way. It's good having their support and I feel so blessed that my lovely friend Mel found me and took me along as it has been good to get those feelings out that weren't able to come out until I went to the meetings. I could cry without someone trying to stop me or judging me.

Hope you all have a fantastic father's day and remember hold your earthly babies really tight as they are soo precious and they will make father's day each year even more amazing.

Lots of Love from Charlie's mummy,
Steph :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 15 August 2011

My therapy :)

As most of you know I run a page on facebook called "Charlie Bear's Gift - RBWH Foundation, Charity Auction". Where I am organising a MASSIVE auction to raise money for the Royal Brisbane & Women's Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, Special Care Nursery & a proposed milk bank and doing it all in honour of my beautiful Charlie. It is going to start on what would have been Charlie's first birthday and I'm really excited about it. It's honestly keeping me sane, it's my place to honour Charlie memory, find amazing people who have gone through a similiar experience to us but taken their baby home. I really have met some truly amazing people since I have set up this page.

I have discovered amazing charities, and of the course the amazing people who run these charities they blow me away. I love putting my time and hard work into this amazing course :). Charlie is so amazing and so many people have got to know amazing Charlie journey. I feel blessed to have been his mum and that he is my son :). I love looking at this photos and watching his video, looking at his clothes it's special. All the amazing reminder that he was here. The cuddles we shared were soo amazing! We also called our little man, Prince Charlie and both Josh & I got that tattooed on ourselfs. It's our reminder that he is always with us and our guardian angel. As I have said before the page & auction is my therapy it keeps my sane and I have all our fantastic donators & supporters to thank for your love and encouragement :). Everytime we get another liker I get so excited as it's one more person to support Charlie and to help us honour Charlie memory.
So thanks to all you amazing people! Your support is amazing!
<3 Steph
Charlie's mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 4 July 2011

The day my baby grew his wings

On the 2nd February, Charlie had had a rough night and kept waking himself up by hitting himself in his face with the drip cast on his arm. It was hard to see and he was getting very annoyed with it. I asked the nurse when the drip cast could come off and was told he had another dose due in a few hours so he would have to keep it on for a bit longer. The poor little guy was soo tired and we were just hoping he would sleep. He would even fight off his feeds and made the tube feed take ages. We ended up having to ask the nurses for a medication that would make he sleep. I can not remember what it was called but it did help him get to sleep which was a relief to us as he really needed it.

On this day we had been told we had to move from a isolation room to a shared room so we had packed our room up and were ready to go to the other room. The nurse pushed the cot that had all Charlie's clothes and nappies and various other baby items that we were taking the chance to use. We pushed Charlie in his cot to the other room as he was fast asleep, during the move he had a seissure and we thought he might have been fighitng the medication but it was a huge seissure. He also started to go blue so we started to push faster to the room and told the nurse. She attached him to the sat monitors and we realised they were lower than they should have been. He should have been at 100% he was at about 60% we was very worrying. At this stage the nurse turned his oxygen up and nothing changed until suddenly his heartrate starting to drop it was dropping a number at a time like a countdown. Just by looking at nurse we could tell the end was near, she then said I'm really sorry guys but I think it might be time.

We had mentioned to the doctors that we didn't want Charlie to be kept alive on a machine as we didn't think it was fair. So she started bagging him which was very frightening to see, I was crying just watching my little man's body being bagged and seeing the oxygen going in and not changing his sats. After the nurse had been doing it for 5 minutes and it still hadn't done anything to fix the sats we decided to stop. We just held him in our arms and got the nurse to ring our familys to come up and say goodbye. It was so hard just holding him and seeing him look blue but due to the meds we previously gave him he was peacefully sleeping which was a relief in a way as he wasn't suffering.

Josh held him and I just hugged Josh which was like a massive group hug with our little family. We kept saying 'We love you Charlie" and crying just in absolute shock that here was our baby. Who was only born 10 weeks before and here we were holding him in our arms watching him die. Every so often the nurse would listen to his heart and tell us how fast his heart was beating. It is amazing just how long the heartbeats for as it felt like we held him for hours just being told he is still here but it's slowing down still. Then the time came where the nurse listened for the last time and said 'It's stopped guys, I'll get the doctor". That was soo hard just knowing it was official, my baby was gone just a body who had lived but now was dead. Even now I write this in tears just remembering this day, only a few months ago.

We had my parents and Josh's parents around us while this was happening everyone was in tears and total shock. My sister was on her way over and arrived not long after his heart had stopped. Which was so hard as she walked on us passing him around the family who all took turns having a cuddle and saying good-bye. We just admirred our beautiful boy, who was so loved and had been through so much. We took off all the cord that were on him like the oxygen probes that were up his nose and the sats probe so that he looked like a normal baby. For us it was the first time in a while that we had seen his face without his oxygen probes and he was just so beautiful and so at peace.

We stayed for many hours just spending time with our family and little man talking about our memories and how he had held on for so long. He had survived so much, even though we knew he wouldn't live very long and it was still so hard. Nothing can ever prepare you for the death of your baby no matter how much warning you get as you never want to have to say goodbye. I still remember how cold his body got after his heart stopped beating and how blue he was. He even started to get a blood nose which was so hard to see. I miss him so much and just remembering that the last time I held him he was life-less is so hard. I miss him so much and can't believe it has been a few months since this all happened and we said good-bye. I still cry everytime I think of this day as it was the hardest day of my life and I hope nobody else ever has to go through a moment of seeing their baby take this last breath and die. To those of you who have also had to go through losing their baby, I send you massive cyber hugs and hope that our angel babies are above watching over us being our guardian angels. Giving us the strength to still live even though a part of us died when our babies did. Thank-you if you have read this, I am still wiping the tears that dripped down my face as I wrote this blog entry about my hardest day.
 Much love,
Charlie's mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

In a perfect world...

In a perfect world every pregnancy that starts will end up with a healthy baby in our arms to take home and to love until were really old and pass in our sleep. But sadly this isn't the way so many pregnancy's start and sadly end in miscarriage or in having a stillborn.It is even worse when you go to a scan and are convinced that you go there to just to have a look at your baby. As in like check their a baby with 2 arms and 2 legs and all the necessary bits but I sadly found out the hard way they check everything there. We were convinced as long as we found out the sex the ultrasound tech must have been sure everything was fine. Little did I know that you have to go to the doctor and be told yeah your baby has a healthy working body. I went to my scan and found out your having a boy and I was in awe at looking at our little man who was growing inside me and giving me lots of wonderful kicks.

I got a phonecall from my doctor clinic insisting I come in asap and find out the results to our ultrasound. In my mind I had found out results but when I arrived I got told there was something wrong with our baby. My baby who I was in love with and had been dreaming about our future. There was something wrong with his brain, the report on the ultrasound said parts were missing and the bits that were there to small. In my mind I was thinking what does this mean? Will I get to meet this little man who is kicking me! He has a beating heart so what could possible be wrong? I had trouble processing it all as we only knew he had issues. The only issues with babies I had ever heard were that they didn't have a heartbeat but he was alive. I just was so naive and uninformed that I had no idea this type of thing happened. It all felt so cruel, in my mind I kept thinking i'm only young (19 almost 20) this doesn't happen.

I hate knowing now that it happens so often. Why is it so taboo to talk about our babies? I think everyone should say I have 2 angel babies, one I never got to meet but still loved and another I only got the pleasure of spreading 10 weeks on earth together with him in my arms but got 34 weeks with him inside me. I will never forget the kicks and the excitement before the finding out the sex scans. I should mention I was convinced Charlie was a girl haha so was very suprised i was having a boy but still soo happy!

I dream of a perfect world that every baby conceived is born, perfect and healthy! I wish you could do the pregnancy test and put on facebook "I'm a mummy to be!". Even without a scan and just know in 9 months your baby would be here. Why is the universe like this? Who knows? Is it the world making us appreciate life and to cherish the ones who survive and fight to be here? I hope one day I could get pregnant and just know I have a healthy baby, I know that as soon as I get a positive I won't be happy until their in my arms and am convinced that everything is fine. I will be so paranoid so for this reason i won't be a mum for probably many years as the fear can just be too much. When I'm ready and the time is right I will be there, a mum fighting for her baby. The doctors may think i'm paranoid, but I am just protecting my baby (or should I say future baby!). I will not be happy until my future baby is here safe in my arms with his or hers 2 guardian angels (Hope & Charlie) I know that they will be protected safe & sound to my arms. I hope with my fingers crossed! For all my fellow angels mummys I hope my 2 guardian angels will protect your future babies too!
Much love from Charlies mummy! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx